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* Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects (Arnold Glasow).

* I hope life isn`t a big joke, because I don`t get it.

* I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I`d like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

* I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children`s children, because I don`t think children should be having sex.

* Sometimes I think I`d be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

* A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That`s dynamite, baby."

* A newly arrived missionary asked the cannibal chief, "Do you know anything about Christianity?"

"Well" replied the chief, "we got a little taste of it when the last missionary was here".

* "Mommy, Mommy, Daddy`s breathing again."

"Shut up and tighten the plastic bag around his neck."

* "Mommy, Mommy, what are vampires?"

"Don`t ask questions. Just drink your blood."

* What is the shepherd`s favorite song?

"I`m in love with ewe...ewe...ewe."

* Why do dogs lick their genitals?

Because they can.

* Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

* I`d like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

* If you`re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it`s really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

* I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

* If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

* Why isn`t a woman like a volcano?

Volcanoes never fake eruptions.

* What`s the definition of a loser?

A guy to whom a hooker says she`s got a headache.

* "Mommy, Mommy, why is Grandma so pale?"

"Shut up and keep digging."

* "Mommy, Mommy, I`m running around in a circle."

"Quiet, or I`ll nail your other foot to the floor."

* Why did God make Adam white?

Did you ever try to take a rib from a black dude?

* I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver, and since he is so busy, you`d probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

* What`s the difference between herpes and true love?

Herpes lasts forever.